I don’t know if it’s just me, but this year has been atrocious for movies. Here are my least-favourite and most disappointing, disjointed offerings for 2024.
Borderlands
It’s not that I was expecting high art out of this video game adaptation, but Eli Roth hit it out of the park with last year’s horror-comedy “Thanksgiving”.
I should have known when I saw the PG-13 rating that the madcap glee with which this horror auteur operates would be neutered here.
Roth feels like he’s trying to fit into a box that this film should have proudly flown in the flag of. It’s boring, devoid of any carnage despite the violence, and woefully miscast.
It’s about a bounty hunter who returns to her childhood home Pandora and begrudgingly teams up with a group of misfits to protect a girl with secret powers.
Sound like you’ve seen this movie before? That’s because you have, and it was likely 1,000 times better.
Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Edgar Ramirez, Jamie Lee Curtis, and the voice of Jack Black are all lent to a film that doesn’t deserve them.
It’s a misfire from a talented group of actors that does a disservice to the popular game’s fan-base.
Dear Santa
It pains me to put one of my favourite comedic actors on this list twice, but Jack Black did not have a banner year.
Amazon Prime recently released this alternative Christmas movie about a young man who – because of his difficulties with spelling – accidentally mails a letter to Satan instead of Santa. The horned devil appears in the form of Jack Black and offers the boy three wishes in return for his soul.
Director Bobby Farrelly – and co-writer brother Peter – have done lowbrow, gross-out humour for years, including on Dumb & Dumber, There’s Something About Mary, and misses like Shallow Hal and Hall Pass. This represents a new low for the brothers with a lifeless yuletide film devoid of any humour at all.
Post Malone cameo and Black’s obvious onscreen charisma aside, this film is a mean-spirited romp that should have gone to the cutting-room floor.
Imaginary
I really love Blumhouse Productions, but this was one of the laziest horror movies I’ve seen in at least five years.
Jessica comes back to her childhood home and realizes her imaginary friend from childhood is seeking vengeance for her leaving.
Sound silly? It is. This preposterous outing from director Jeff Wadlow just continues to get worse and more contrived as its 105-minute runtime drags on.
DeWanda Wise, Tom Payne, Betty Buckley, and the child actors do what they can, but this is a horror offering that provides few scares.
Madame Web
This Sony Spider-Man spinoff was so bad even its stars made fun of it after its release.
Madame Web follows paramedic Cassandra, who realizes she has the ability to see a few seconds into the future. She must reveal her past and how she got her powers, and teams up with three young women to defeat an evil enemy.
Dakota Johnson is a capable actress, but she’s particularly awful here. Younger stars Sydney Sweeney – who otherwise had a breakout year – Isabela Merced and Celeste O’Connor do what they can with a script that gives them little to work with.
Tahar Rahim makes for a boring villain and likeable actors Mike Epps and Adam Scott are severely underutilized.
I’ve seen much better work from basically all involved, and I bet Sony Pictures and stars Dakota Johnson and Sydney Sweeney just want to forget this one.
My Spy: The Eternal City
My Spy may have been a fun diversion for pandemic-era film audiences, but that doesn’t mean it ever needed a sequel.
Not only is My Spy: The Eternal City unnecessary, but it wears out its welcome incredibly quickly. I’m not sure how it also manages to make its lead so unlikeable.
Dave Bautista is a fantastic, versatile actor, but he doesn’t get much to do in this action-comedy with a flimsy script. His CIA agent JJ heads on a school trip with new step-daughter Sophie to the Vatican City, but their trip is interrupted when the two must foil an international terrorist conspiracy.
Young Chloe Coleman, Kristen Schaal, Ken Jeong, and Anna Faris are all terrible here, despite their obvious charisma in other films.
It’s a lame sequel filled with tons of set-pieces but no plot.
Night Swim
From Saw director James Wan and Blumhouse Productions came another massive misfire in the horror genre this year.
Night Swim had a promising premise and a great first trailer, but by opening day it was clear there wasn’t much substance to this one.
A family moves into a new home, but a dark secret and evil force lurks in their pool. Their lives begin to unravel as terrifying things happen to them.
Wyatt Russell is a great actor and Kerry Condon is an Oscar nominee, but they both barely tread water here.
Co-writer and director Bryce McGuire presides over a film with a nonsense script, a boring plot and lazy visuals. It’s an all-round dud and one of my most disappointing of the year.
The Crow
So my first question is this – why would you ever bother to remake a film that was near-perfect anyway?
My second, more important question – if you were going to do it, why would you make one so bad that it tarnishes the legacy of the first almost irrevocably?
The Crow is not just a bad film, it’s a film that movie lovers the world over begged the studio not to make. It’s one where they received huge negative feedback on the tatted up promotional stills of its star, but changed nothing.
It lazily attempts to set itself apart, but the salient details are the same. Soulmates Eric and Shelly are murdered to keep a secret hidden, but Eric comes back to life to avenge her. He gains superhuman powers and goes to kill those behind her death.
All he wants is for his own soul be traded for Shelly’s, and she be allowed to live.
Director Rupert Sanders, best-known for cheating on his wife with Kristen Stewart and not actually for his career, makes an absolute atrocity of a film.
Bill Skarsgard does what he can, but can’t save this one. FKA twigs is awful, Danny Huston sleepwalks through this, and Sami Bouajila is the only interesting actor. However, with little clarity on his character’s motivations, this feels like a disjointed, lazy, uneven effort.
The Fabulous Four
It actually pained me to see four fantastic actresses be let down in such a fulsome fashion.
There is not a second of this film that isn’t cliched, and the R-rated romp about a group of friends who come together to celebrate the wedding of a college friend is fraught with lazy dialogue and writing.
Susan Sarandon, Bette Midler, Megan Mullally, and Sheryl Lee Ralph are fantastic performers trapped in roles they can’t do anything with. Bruce Greenwood is also wasted in a throwaway supporting role.
Everyone in this film deserves better, and rather than be inoffensive and dull, it managed to offend me with the lack of effort for its stars.
The Watchers
This is quite literally the worst movie of the year by a large margin.
The would-be horror film follows an artist who becomes trapped in a forest in Ireland. She finds shelter with other lost people, and they aren’t permitted to leave the cabin. Creatures stalk the woods at night and their lives are threatened.
M. Night Shymalan has long been a divisive figure, and his daughter Ishana co-writes and directs this absolutely atrocious offering.
Dakota Fanning gives a career-worst performance and the plot makes next to no sense. I shook my head in disbelief multiple times in the theatre.
You couldn’t lower your expectations enough to be able to stand this movie.
Unfrosted
I don’t know who greenlit this movie, but it is perhaps one of the most unfunny, bland comedies I’ve ever seen.
It follows rivals Kellogg’s and Post in the creation of what would eventually become the Pop Tart. It’s a film that doesn’t know what it wants to be. Is it highbrow, lowbrow, farce, satire or something in between?
What we end up with is a boring, uneven film with next to no redeeming qualities. Director, star and co-writer Jerry Seinfeld does a poor job at all three.
Despite a supporting cast that includes Melissa McCarthy, Jim Gaffigan, Christian Slater, Hugh Grant, Amy Schumer, and more, every single one of them manage to disappoint.
What an absolute waste of talent.
Dishonourable Mentions:
- Atlas
- Divorce in the Black
- Joker: Folie A Deux
- Megalopolis
- Role Play
- Salem’s Lot
About The Author:
Jordan Parker is a freelance journalist and runs entertainment firm Parker PR. A huge lover and supporter of the local arts scene, he’s an avid filmgoer and lover of all genres.
A 2SLGBTQIA+ professional, he also works doing Events & Fundraising for the AIDS Coalition of Nova Scotia and has a passion for giving a platform to queer events and artists.
His writing often skews toward local businesses, productions, events, and covering arts & entertainment. He’s also an avid sports fan and spends every May getting let down by the Maple Leafs in the first round of the playoffs.
Jordan believes in an open-door policy and welcomes story pitches and questions from readers.
Email: [email protected]
